I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
