My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I need a beard to bite.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
