Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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