I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
