i think my tv is drunk
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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