You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
