i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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