dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
