Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
