Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
