At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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