I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
