I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
