I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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