The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
