Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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