I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
