i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
