Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
