And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
