So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
