HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
