I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
