Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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