you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
