I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
