My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
