if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
True strength comes from lack of pants
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
