I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
