I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
