I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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