I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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