new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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