You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
