I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
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