I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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