The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
