Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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