you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Your shirt... Was in my pants
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
