Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
