i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
