They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Randomize
