I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
