I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
