What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
