this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
