my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
