Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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