positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
