i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Are my feet made of real feet?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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