fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
